Hello all! i am here in my guesthouse in chiang mai typing out my feelings of ungroundedness because I am having trouble making a lot of desciscions n its on a counter of men, they all like me once we get to talking and then they just want more than friendship. Okay i know im complaining and yes its flattering but at the same time, what happened to just being friends? It's so hard to have a non-sexual freely open friendship with a guy for me because of course when the topic of sex comes up, the blood starts pumping and simple discussion turns into a turn directed at fulfilling ones own desire to feel pleasure. Yesterday, my friend whos in his 50's offered over and over to have sex with me; not in an incredibly aggresive way, actually in the nicest way possible but I am not down with the whole "life's short, lets have sex together" approach. He told me he was a "butterfly" man and had had sex with many women, but neverhad he hd the chance to be with an american, with a perfect body nd white skin...okay so our conversation got pretty deep, we talked about everything, even the way he likes to make love to the women he pays for sex or pay him. I even pondered it for a moment as if I should just go and say what the hell i'm in Thailand, no one will know, and hilariously enough i probably would have if there were any sexual attraction towards him, but no. My gut said no, because it didnt feel right. I loved talking to him though before the topic turned to him wanting to get into my american pants but now there's an akwardness, a mature akwardness though because i told him the truth, "im only interested in friendship and no sex, I just think the whole view of sex in thailand and relationships, atleast in your own personal experience, is very interesting, but I dont want you to think i feel you are bad, because I dont, I am glad that we can talk about this so openly." so that day ended slightly akward with again another tinge of bitter sweetness but its all good, haha! He understood and invited me over to have dinner with him and his family the night before I leave, dont worry though I met his daughter and shes very nice, I just had to set a boundary with him because he didnt have one.
So anyways, to quickly sum up the point in this whole tid bit of a story is that Im having trouble making decisions because I see the other perspective of each scenario and dont really see a good or bad view on things as much but more of a difference in preference. This guy was a really nice guy, i could taklk to him about anything until emotions got invovled and now theres a hairline fracture tht will be mended because I set a boundary. And I say it was a mature akwardness because it was completely genuine. So yes, another experience for sonia feldman, foreigner in thailand, learning about sex here without having to have it and having incredibly honest conversations with the locals.
The experince opened my eyes on my view towards sex, which doesnt mean that I need to take on the view as my own, or i can if i would like, but it gave me a less judgemental view on fulfilling one's own desires and anothers and what it is that allows sex to so much more accesible to anyone at anytime in this country. Paying for sex here is not a big deal, lady boys and girls who want to be men, lesbians, gays, married couples having sex with other people, butterfly men and women, anything having to do with sex and preferences is a lot looser here and the people who make a lving at it, at least from what this man told me, for the most part, still have respect for themselves. That doesnt mean that some people making a living from their bodies are not depressed but i see the pther side... i must go on a tour good bye