Wednesday, October 20, 2010

okay people!

yo yo yo! I am in a mountaneous region full of car horn honkings, cute little old laies walking up the foothills of the himalayas, momos, prayer wheels, wool shawls and buddhism up the wazoo.  Yes i am in northern India, in the home of the Dalai Lama and many Tibetan refugees.  I love this plce, truly, it is a breath of fresh air...again I am typing extraordinarily fast because I am on a time limit and am in between retreats. 
I am just going to freestyle whats goin on in my mind right now because I feel that is really the only way I can communicate what is slightly going on...
Heart beating, silence...achy knees, sitting all day, buddhist teachings, Dalai Lama, Tashi Delek( tibetan), lost, How do I get to Bhagsu Road?  OKay I am totally going to take my vows to become a buddhist, literally promising that I will do my best to not intentionally harm others for the rest of my life...I like him, she's cool, too many people, I was just silent for ten days and then BAM! everyone explodes after retreat, as if they were forced to keep them shut for those ten days of intensive strudy, Karma, everything being made up from caauses and conditions and resulting in positive or negative ways, from beyond this life, from all your past lives...back to the subject, zen style awareness with a cocaine infested language of fear amnd freedom from a feeling of being trapped in silence, key word trapped.  Explosions of noise and meaningful babbling, finally aware of the fact that , wow, these people are human...Searching for the Karmapa, so close to the public seeing of him, right on the steps about to enter the building and , wait, stop, shit, I have to go back into town, 30minute taxi ride, I have to mave into another room for the convenience of the next retreat I have where I am not allowed to be around people from another program and someone needed to move into my room.  Again, cocaine speed with cal and slightly sad concentration emanating from my being.  I express in minimal understable language styles mixed with internal matters that have a touch of poetry to such expressions. 
What I am really trying to say is that again, like everything and everyday of my life, I am in transition, transition from peace into chaos, introverted to extroverted, and always practicing to find some middle ground, some sanity in all the shifting... I had lunch with a friend yeterday, she was walking down the street in Mcleod Ganj, I was on the roof top of this Tibetan Cafe, and I called out to her randomly and tacfully inviting her up to share a meal with me of eggplant and garlic sauce with white rice, with ginger lemon honey tea on the side.  We spent a good couple hours there just chatting about life, chatting about the fact that we just had our brains filled in to the brim with buddhist philosophy, and that now, the world seems much different, not new, not old, just different.  And I bring this up because the main topic that was of our conversation was finding a way to be honest and genuine with your self and pthers in a way that is direct but kind, regardless of the internal fiasco tha is occuring,  and making the decision in how you communicate based on your intention "May I do what is most beneficial". Amd the funny thing was that this was an incredibly juicy toppic because of how much of a temptation comes out of our neurosis to communicate from a place of fear, and sometimes it is so subtle that you dont even realize you are lying to yourseklf or another person and you dont see the future reprucusions of your actions of creating only further delusion.
for example, this could stem from a simple conversation with you friend, you had plans already with your boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, and you have cancelled so many times with this friend that is calling that you feel that if you cancel again, your friend will feel as thouugh you dont care about the friendship any more, the simple problem is not the friend, or even the lover, but the timing of the situation.  You inclination, habit or instinct is to tell a little lie because you have built up this guilt from previous times of cancelling with this friend. You have the intention, out of fear, to instead of simply telling your freind the truth, that you have plans with your lover, you pretend that you are sick, concocting this idea in your head that somehow lieing to your friend and telling them you are sick is a much more legitamite excuse than sadly turning them down because you have other plans, and even deeper you dont want to even bring up the past times that because of timing and differnt proirities, you chose to spend your time you lie to you friend, and this builds inside of you, because then the next time you friend calls and you happen to be busym you continue to produce the same behavior of being dishonest, and you build up a horrble habit of this delided idea of what it trult means to be a friends, and you totally have forgotten about the intention "may i do what is most beneficial", and a simple act has turned into years of habit, innocently ignorant habit of trying to make you friend happy but making yourself the centralized person in the realtionship because you would rather save face than simply tell your friend the truth, which is truly no ones fault, but simply timing,  and this is (in the conversatuion with my polish friend in the Tibetan Cafe) how problems start, from something as little as a lie, because you were in such a rush to avoid the truth that you didnt even realize that you cause more damage..its simple ignorance, we all have it from ohne degree to another.  I am saying this because I think this is an incredibly important thing to keep in mind when you are communicating with others, just being aware if your speech is coming from a place the will have long term beneficial consequences, not short term, like upsetting you friend, but long term like staying committed and loyal in the relationship with honesty and respect... its the little things that really matter, the big too, but dont forget the little. Try this when you go out into the world or when you are ever face with any decisions...stop for a moment and make the wish, aspiration or question to your self,"May I do what is most beneficial"...just try it, even just once, and think long term, with a sense of utter honesty.  okay I must run to another retreat but I will check back in some time after, I hope you are well and miss you much, who ever you are.  And, thankyou for taking the time to read this, it shows how much patience you have, and that youhave a genuine interest in some sort of truth...chao bella! xoxo.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Gangsta Face!

What up people I'm in Mcleod Ganj, darhamasala, INdia!  Yes! and i have to say, today I am incredibly exausted but I have survived, I am having trouble typing because I feel as though I am on anotheer planet right now, so maybe its better that I check in again withy more clarity tomorro.  I am safe and jus got out of retreat so just know all is good and i will talk to you tomorro.  Much love to whoever you are reading this and take care of yourself, you only have this body in this life.


Thursday, October 7, 2010

Darmasala Holla!

What is up people? Me actually, up in at the foothills of the himalayas i rest and feel as though I have finally found a temporary home.  I am not alone here, not the only foreigner, not the only solo traveller, but one of many and finally, even though I am very high up in the mnountains, I finally feel like I can breathe! 

 It has been a long time since I posted anything and its because its been hard to find good internet in the places Ive been.  So much has happened that I cant express the half of it but I will summarize so you can sort of imagine...I was in Chiang Mai THailand last time we spoke and since then I flew into Delhi and was hanging around there for a little bit.  I had met a boy in BAngkok that offered to tour me around Delhi, little did I know that he would take me into his family and protect me as if I were the fair skinned princess of India.  He was a religios Sikh, along with his family(They wear turbans), and him and his family taugh me the basics of Sikhism and temple/family life.  It is an incredibly simple yet beautiful religion where they accept people of all different backrounds and social classes( especially important in INdia with the class differences here).  I went to many Sikh temples where you sing gods name out, ask for special wishes, drink and wash in holy water, and take prasad(blessed food, that tastes like oats) to remain holy.  I even took a seven hour train to the biggest sikh temple in the world called Shri Sahib Amritsar.  This friend of mine, who will not be named for persopnal reasons, was one of the kindest people I have ever met, he always told me, even on the first day, that I was his bestest friend.  I found it very endearing in the beginning because he was so sweet, but sometimes things that are too sweet become nauseated or unappetizing after a few bites...
I feel horrible of course, but at the same time I feel incredibly free, as though I made the correct descision, the decision for my mental health...I had to leave him, yesterday actually, because I couldnt handle living with him any more.  Yes I know, a total flip from happy family to hell in a backpack.  He was a great friend, to too nice, overly caring, overly protective, and to be quite honest the situation got very old very fast, and simply because it was too sweet, like an indian dessert.  See, he was willing to do anything for me, anything, his family took me in and cater to my every need, to an extent of insanity, that I couldnt handle it anymore.  I am a spoiled american, yes I like hot showers and a toilet to sit on, I love food and chai, but I am not or should I say, do not need to be treated as though I am royalty.  I was overwhelmed when I came to India, not because of how India really was, but because of all the horrible stories everyone told me...and you know what?  So far I have not encountered the severity of this country as expressed by others.  Yes there are a shit load of people and its dirty as hell, compared to my suburban home, but it's not that bad.  So when I arrived in India, I was fucking scared, and the reality of the situation was not nearly as intense as I thought.  But to get back to the point I am trying to make, this guy I met from Delhi, I clung to him the first day, because I was scared for my life and he guarded me as if I needed to do the same(his family made sure he was my body guard), and after the first couple of days, and the repeated questions of if I am happy and the horrible language barrier(only preschool english), I got sick of the situation, I wanted to leave, because I could communicate how I was feeling, I even cried at one point because if I wasnt constantly smiling or speaking, him and his whole entire family would be at my feet begging for me to be happy. This is why I say too sweet, and why there is guilt attached to the situation.  I was offered to stay at the home, and very well could have lived there the rest of  my life without ever having to pay for anything again, but I couldnt live a life so comfortable, because the overavailability of it was uncomfortable.  I stayed in my expensive hotel room.  But even that was not enough and I had constant feeling of guilt mixed with joy.  I could only handle so much and it was hard for me to decide whether I should leave or not because I was afraid for my life, afraid to be alone in INdia because this whole time I was guarded and had every need met.  So I kept compromising, holding my temper when no matter how long I would try to explain, I could nt be understood, and I left.  I got the hell out of there, and had my friend arrange a private car for me to go to Darmasala, where the Dalai Lama lives and is the place where all the Tibetan refugees reside.
SO this is just a summary of what has happened so far and you probably dont understand my reasons for leaving fully, and theres a lot more to the story thatn is said, but that is the gist and the decision to leave my friend from delhi took a lot of courage because now, I am truly alone in India, and I feel fucking great.  Yes, of course I'm scared for my life and have to arrange things myself as opposed to being the Princess of India, but this is how I would prefer it, more personal freedom, and more to watch out for, but this is why I came to India, to travel, to be by myself in another country(which is not to say I will make friends along the way) but I am not going to accomodate anyone right now, I have to take care of myself, and my simple needs.  It was a great lesson and maybe I will see him again(I wish I could tell you the whole story but I made a promise not to) but right now I am happy, scared, but happy, because finally I am in a new country, alone and have no clue of what the future holds.  Until next time, I am safe, without a schedule and in a place that is the most beautiful part of india I have seen so far.  Goodbye and please, take care of yourself