Wednesday, October 20, 2010

okay people!

yo yo yo! I am in a mountaneous region full of car horn honkings, cute little old laies walking up the foothills of the himalayas, momos, prayer wheels, wool shawls and buddhism up the wazoo.  Yes i am in northern India, in the home of the Dalai Lama and many Tibetan refugees.  I love this plce, truly, it is a breath of fresh air...again I am typing extraordinarily fast because I am on a time limit and am in between retreats. 
I am just going to freestyle whats goin on in my mind right now because I feel that is really the only way I can communicate what is slightly going on...
Heart beating, silence...achy knees, sitting all day, buddhist teachings, Dalai Lama, Tashi Delek( tibetan), lost, How do I get to Bhagsu Road?  OKay I am totally going to take my vows to become a buddhist, literally promising that I will do my best to not intentionally harm others for the rest of my life...I like him, she's cool, too many people, I was just silent for ten days and then BAM! everyone explodes after retreat, as if they were forced to keep them shut for those ten days of intensive strudy, Karma, everything being made up from caauses and conditions and resulting in positive or negative ways, from beyond this life, from all your past lives...back to the subject, zen style awareness with a cocaine infested language of fear amnd freedom from a feeling of being trapped in silence, key word trapped.  Explosions of noise and meaningful babbling, finally aware of the fact that , wow, these people are human...Searching for the Karmapa, so close to the public seeing of him, right on the steps about to enter the building and , wait, stop, shit, I have to go back into town, 30minute taxi ride, I have to mave into another room for the convenience of the next retreat I have where I am not allowed to be around people from another program and someone needed to move into my room.  Again, cocaine speed with cal and slightly sad concentration emanating from my being.  I express in minimal understable language styles mixed with internal matters that have a touch of poetry to such expressions. 
What I am really trying to say is that again, like everything and everyday of my life, I am in transition, transition from peace into chaos, introverted to extroverted, and always practicing to find some middle ground, some sanity in all the shifting... I had lunch with a friend yeterday, she was walking down the street in Mcleod Ganj, I was on the roof top of this Tibetan Cafe, and I called out to her randomly and tacfully inviting her up to share a meal with me of eggplant and garlic sauce with white rice, with ginger lemon honey tea on the side.  We spent a good couple hours there just chatting about life, chatting about the fact that we just had our brains filled in to the brim with buddhist philosophy, and that now, the world seems much different, not new, not old, just different.  And I bring this up because the main topic that was of our conversation was finding a way to be honest and genuine with your self and pthers in a way that is direct but kind, regardless of the internal fiasco tha is occuring,  and making the decision in how you communicate based on your intention "May I do what is most beneficial". Amd the funny thing was that this was an incredibly juicy toppic because of how much of a temptation comes out of our neurosis to communicate from a place of fear, and sometimes it is so subtle that you dont even realize you are lying to yourseklf or another person and you dont see the future reprucusions of your actions of creating only further delusion.
for example, this could stem from a simple conversation with you friend, you had plans already with your boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, and you have cancelled so many times with this friend that is calling that you feel that if you cancel again, your friend will feel as thouugh you dont care about the friendship any more, the simple problem is not the friend, or even the lover, but the timing of the situation.  You inclination, habit or instinct is to tell a little lie because you have built up this guilt from previous times of cancelling with this friend. You have the intention, out of fear, to instead of simply telling your freind the truth, that you have plans with your lover, you pretend that you are sick, concocting this idea in your head that somehow lieing to your friend and telling them you are sick is a much more legitamite excuse than sadly turning them down because you have other plans, and even deeper you dont want to even bring up the past times that because of timing and differnt proirities, you chose to spend your time you lie to you friend, and this builds inside of you, because then the next time you friend calls and you happen to be busym you continue to produce the same behavior of being dishonest, and you build up a horrble habit of this delided idea of what it trult means to be a friends, and you totally have forgotten about the intention "may i do what is most beneficial", and a simple act has turned into years of habit, innocently ignorant habit of trying to make you friend happy but making yourself the centralized person in the realtionship because you would rather save face than simply tell your friend the truth, which is truly no ones fault, but simply timing,  and this is (in the conversatuion with my polish friend in the Tibetan Cafe) how problems start, from something as little as a lie, because you were in such a rush to avoid the truth that you didnt even realize that you cause more damage..its simple ignorance, we all have it from ohne degree to another.  I am saying this because I think this is an incredibly important thing to keep in mind when you are communicating with others, just being aware if your speech is coming from a place the will have long term beneficial consequences, not short term, like upsetting you friend, but long term like staying committed and loyal in the relationship with honesty and respect... its the little things that really matter, the big too, but dont forget the little. Try this when you go out into the world or when you are ever face with any decisions...stop for a moment and make the wish, aspiration or question to your self,"May I do what is most beneficial"...just try it, even just once, and think long term, with a sense of utter honesty.  okay I must run to another retreat but I will check back in some time after, I hope you are well and miss you much, who ever you are.  And, thankyou for taking the time to read this, it shows how much patience you have, and that youhave a genuine interest in some sort of truth...chao bella! xoxo.


  1. Happy to hear you are safe and truly absorbing this experience! Post when you can. I really am reading.

    Erika Z

  2. Hey Sonia! Carrie Marks here- sorry we never got to talk about India BEFORE you went. But India happens whether you talk about it or not, eh? I have a 7 month old son now, so I'm pretty busy and not great at communicating. But I want to make sure you're going to Nick's in McLeod- fantastic food, especially the breakfast omelet. And there's an Indian restaurant which had the BEST Indian food I've ever had by leaps and bounds. It's down one of those main streets- not the one that leads to the Dalai Lama's place, but the other one. If you're walking down from the "taxi stand/bus depot/town center" it will be on your left. It's past the post office. You have to check it out. And I have friends in West Bengal, if you make it over there, let me know. Write anytime with questions. My boyfriend spent 16 months total over there, so between the two of us, we will have some pointers. Oh! And if you get a chance, go see Mingyur Rinpoche in Bodhgaya before he goes into retreat for 3 years- he's a lot of fun. Oh, and Tso Pema is a day's bus ride from McLeod- it's great. And, and....